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Troubleshooting "loopback requests that take too long"

So I am dealing with this dreaded “unable to edit php files” errors after updating to 4.9.1

I disabled all of my plugins, and I am still getting the following error though the Health Check plugin:

The loopback request to your site took too long to complete, this may
prevent WP_Cron from working, along with theme and plugin editors.

Which is great to know!

Because apparently that is the cause of the error that I receive when I try to edit php files from inside the wordpress editor which is:

Unable to communicate back with site to check for fatal errors, so the
PHP change was reverted. You will need to upload your PHP file change
by some other means, such as by using SFTP.

So where can I look to fix it now?

If every single plugin is disabled, it must be a problem with my theme?

I am running a theme that I made from scratch based off of underscores.me

If I am not running any plugins at all, and my loopback requests are still taking too long, how can I remedy that situation?

EDIT: Just to be clear, I can edit .css files on my current theme. And I can edit any file on another theme that is not currently active. I just cannot edit php files on my currently active theme… which makes me think it’s related to this loopback request stuff.

EDIT 2: Are loopback requests actual http requests that look for a copy of my site online? Because if so… the site is actually offline right now. Could that be the issue?